What does it feel like?
To be so connected to oneself, receptive of everything, activated by anger and frustration.
To every one of you on Earth I am dysfunctional and a monster, that has been my life until recently.
I’ve only begun to understand what this actually feels like.
Never understood why I was so drawn to humanity, religion, yet so disconnected. Foolish enough to believe every religion was correct in it’s own ways, so long as everyone at least believed, sounds good right?
Wrong.
Feeling all the way to the depths of my soul, suffering tragedies and seeking all my life, I feel enlightened.
I feel like the Phoenix of my outward projection has arrived, you’ve no idea how long and difficult a journey it has been to arrive here. The CHAOS I must overcome is unbearable, I have died, I have lost people, faced injustices, internalized rage until I was bathed in the white searing light, trembling and feeling like I could fly, but I must never seek revenge with the Scorpion’s sting or rage like the Bull as I had as a child, I was to learn from it, fill my cup and drink it. I found ways to fit in and function, I took that feeling and it became my driving force, willpower and the only way I could work was to channel anger and rage. Learning to fly had come along later, an Eagle or Owl, they’re both mine, becoming a visionary and sharing my ideas, however being laughed at and repeatedly put down, further placing myself into darkness and all of you made the Minotaur. It all began with the abuse as a child, being called an ‘Irish piece of shit’ by dad, kicked, thrown, crying, then given something to cry about, I have tried to express this many times and spread the word on child abuse, but I am nobody for it. Think school and authorities help? No. It was extremely difficult to hold this kid down rebelling, angry, freakishly strong and fast, but authority is authority and they would always find a way to rule over me especially when I had calmed down. I was not paying attention for the last few years, kept my head down, kept my anger in check. I was having fun, world spiriling into madness, watching no news, ending social media and dropping out, eventually neighbors and friends turned against me and my beliefs, for what? Why was it now okay to yell obscenities and damn others? Aside from that one half-lost religion that has decided it better that humanity rule humanity, which humanity can not, this is why the enlightened teach the nescessary values, urging peace, love and obedience to God, the Universe and created means to understand, albeit simplified through monotheism, but in that sense all religion and belief are lost over the millenia ‘killing in the name of’, even the lost religion still has good roots believed in to this day, some keep it pure. I kept silent, endured, however we’ve all reached this crossroad, all have been divided as God let’s us be, according to some scripture even bound to never destroy us again as each time we are reduced, once a great and loved creation with eternal life, struck down until we face our lifespan diminished to a tength of what it was, our minds diminished to one tength it’s ability or so they say. Consider why some so great and disciplined to a natural talent, I myself a mere laborer, who has jealousy and anger to drive the work ethic.
Ah my work ethic, idealistic, looking to please, however always requiring perfection and duty with service to others.
So many things to share, so much to break down, why go on and on about myself, it has nothing to do with you, but it does. I wished to share some wonderful story, including all nations, great advancements, implementing huge civil engineering endevours, unifying world resources, creating a new way, reinstating God in all things. I am not the brightest and certainly not educated as I should have been, but it does not take a genius to see it is not possible to bring humanity from here to there and all my attempts to envision this world I escape to becomes dark, plagued by definition of governments like communism or capitalism, definitions of religion right or wrong, I can not deal with borders or recognizing nations, certainly can not operate any of it with any spiraling down and backwards into terrorism or murder, hell, call it what it is mass murder, why is this so?

The lowest common denominator is humanity, despite it’s inspirations, creativity, expressions, achievements, resources and wealth, it was all and always will be ruled by a few, each part of which ruled humanity, hiding truths, silencing truth and using it against each other creating eternal global conflict.

I’ve sought knowing of these things since I were small, it had always been delivered by others so long as I just ask and by one seeing God in another shares their Godly knowledge with me. It is easy to me and it is not bound to one heritage, religion or nationality. Within the last couple years I returned to the TV, news, I felt it nescessary because I began believing in myself again, I had to create a vision of a world as entertainment, a good movie people see it for a couple hours, or read it for a week, or a series that I believe would take years. This driving need to express was building to a chaotic symphony, do I destroy it all in the end?, do I bring peace and unity?, why do I care about all these people?

Rising from my own ashes a Phoenix, I have done this so many times before, boring. A Demigod playing with the fate of it’s world, or better leave it to it’s own devices. The Angel? A healer, denied and pushed that down into darkness of myself, killed it, throwing knives at it, accusing it a liar, the thing of religious talk and fairy tales, nothing of divinity resides in me, there is no God or he’d have answered my prayers and stop the abuse, given my parents wealth so they can be happy, give me that job so I can make something of myself instead of setteling for what I must, give me understanding and stop being misunderstood, give me the knowledge so I can create instead of dreaming, give me, give me, I pray, I ask, I beg, give me, give me, why don’t you give me..?

It occurred to me, all I do is pray, wish on stars, because I felt so close to God, I felt it was the only way.

It must be earned. Yeah, of course why can’t you give me the means to do so?

I had not believed religion, faith and knowing of an Almighty God were believable. Never again will I believe another preacher, they lie and steal, took my family life savings and spent it on prostitutes and sin.

Wrestling with the daily gaslight of friends and neighbors who tormented me, drove me to therapy and demanded I change and I did so all because what? -my political beliefs? It was useless, I spent days on my own searching the usual terms and meanings embedded within my psychology and one day questioned the phenomena of Lunacy. Was it connected to the Moon? Astrology- LOL NOPE!

I certainly could not believe astrology, nothing I ever read there was ever even close.
Oh I tell people all the time, “If you told me I would understand Astrology and believe it and find God a couple years ago I would have laughed”.

Astrology I found was far more than Sun sign and luck, good days or bad. I read a few blogs, calculated my chart and what I read was so close but not on the mark, there was too much vagueness, then I found an article explaining Eclipses. The next one in a couple days was one that allows oneself to ask of the Universe.

So upon finding the Universe myself, my first act was to pray from my heart.

I had told a friend, “I am wishing for things”, what I said that day, it was April 30, 2022:

“I wish to Bless God and Christ and the angels,
Wish for world tolerance,
Stop war and fighting,
End Cancer and diseases,
End birth deformities,
Equality and fairness,
End rape and abuse,
End mental illness,
Wish to end drug addictions,
Wish for higher world understanding,
Wish my family and loved ones to heal,
Wish to be a better person,
Wish to forgive and be forgiven,
Wish for peace love and happiness.”

I told her I did it but, “I forgot global warming and animal extinction as well as blessing all the PEOPLE, plants and animals, oh well, next time lol can’t have it all and under no circumstance would I wish for anything against anyone’s will.” -by ‘against anyone’s will’ I meant blessing, I hadn’t felt at the time I was in authority to do so.

I have difficulties with Global Warming, to be discussed at another time. There is another story there, one I began over a decade ago and since combined it into the current story.

The Universe replied in a big way, not as I had wished, but within, I felt it and it led me where to look and upon completing a heroic deed, my self came back to life. So over the next two years I studied myself, it was advised against by the local Astrology Association, what did they know? -they hoped I would assume leadership of the group. That self search led to self understanding, ‘know thyself’, ‘heal thyself’. Then what I had come to understand is it is much like the complexity of the Holy Trinity of Christianity, Father, Son and Holy Ghost, past, present and future, there is God’s creation, Gift of the Present and Promise of Future, I’ve understood that for some time, simple enough it is monotheism. I found Astrology to be far more complicated, sure you can stick to Sun signs and typical behavior analysis of, but it was far deeper and no matter what I read did not find any one place explain everything. It was becoming clear the time I spent studying the planet meanings, aspects to each other, reflectin upon my half century of existance and in time I began to understand no Transit Report was going to be fully correct unless they had all day to figure out mine alone.
I stopped subscribing and tried to feel. I spent a long time trying to find the energy of the Grand Trine when I noticed repeating behaviors (I do not have the luxury to do so by the way, this cost me, two years of little activity, focusing only on academics, I gained 50 pounds, no income, sleeping on the couch, I used to take care of myself, I had a flat stomach and very fit until the end of 2022) these behaviors were repeating and they were undeniable. It occurred every time the Moon activated the Grand Trine, there was a growing desire to see car shows, one day a neighbor’s friend visited with his restored hot rod, I went out to look at it, I was mezmerized, Moon conjunct my Jupiter and Mercury, I had just been sitting outside talking about an adaption of Transformers franchise as it was a clear interest every time this happened and the stories I thought of. I could feel it. I now know that was the mundane of my childhood. I have an adaption of most of my childhood toy stories, something that makes them real, some big issue to deal with, make it appealing to everyone, blah, blah, blah, but most of my stories seem to go to the darkside. I used to be so confused growing up, asking why do they get to write horror and I had to be good all the time, appearantly I just scared them, drawing nuclear mushroom clouds and expressions of death, I was oppressed, repressed and that is what bubbled up.

Anyway, the Moon is so easy to check these things with, it happens three times a month and when it conjuncts a planet in your chart, how you are designed and considering the relationship of that placement is the illumination of the emotional side of that meeting. Work with that first, it is frequent enough.

When planets had come along it was never as the Transit reports dictated, there was something bigger modifying things and that is known as the Mundane, neither of these easily felt unless you either have all the knowledge and studied astrology and can share, which I do not, I am not concerned with the quality of time as they say, but I did start focusing on the Sun, we take it for granted, it is a star, but always something else, more modifiers and they are the Stars, Fixed Stars to be exact, but that would not be my final lesson, I looked to how the Sun feels at the Angles. Angels are the Ascendant – more than our projected self, Medium Coeli – another outward expression of career, Imum Coeli – what we work on inside and Descendant – what we project inward. I read about these and considered them as functional points and less than personal. It was not until I realized how afflicted I was, these points, the signs they reside in and how they are modified by the planets nearby and that’s when a lot of the lights that I had turned off, the control panel inside my soul where I used to imagine was occupied by something of a shadow, capable of turning everything off like when my wife passed away, the thing that was happy when I returned to Florida from her burial and found the state burning because that is what I wanted, everything to burn. I feel too much, it is that simple. Makes me irritated to see the typical ‘Aquarians can not feel’, ‘distant’, ‘heartless’, it’s all crap, popular astrology. I challenge you to read Vettius Valens or Ptolemy. I got this Astrology book, it’s good, been in print since the 70’s, it’s all just definitions and meanings, how to read, how to calculate things of time, all you can know is what is coming up around the bend and how it might affect you, it can not tell you if things will be well or not, too many people, events and things unforseeable, so many moving parts and one small asteroid can change everything within you and spark something you will either come to regret or cherish for the rest of your life, just try and juggle that, I’ll wait. I am absolutely astounded of the thought it took to name the Neptunian planets and assign within astrology. My favorite and chart ruler being Pluto is the one I relate to the most, more on that in the future and why I find Hades amazing. I have so many starts and things said I would share then delete, it is a problem of mine, I apologize.

Why and how does it keep changing stories that I intend to be “uplifting and inspiring” -according to my North Node, into complete horror stories, full of terrorism, catastrophic events, sometimes even going so far as to manifest. I was sharing another story idea with my neighbor when I was wanting to send a hurricane to South Appalachian Mountains, Northern Georgia and the possibility therof then a week later a catagory 5 hurricane went there. California provided the storm that caused flooding and showed me I need to chill out. Leaves me asking is it just coincidence? Am I supposed to be it or is it just guidance.
I am constantly thinking thousands of years ago, human history, science history, religious history, trying to ignore the news and focus on my story- then on October 7th mass murder was inflicted on Israel.

I stopped everything and watched the news all day, again, just like the 9/11/01 attack on New York. How could this happen? I asked. The following weeks revealed a lot, who, what, why and it is all around us. I began focusing on these people, my first want was for them to shut up, then I demanded they destroy themselves. We have been watching that unfold all the way to the top ever since.

I only thought of Ukraine that night Biden spoke, wrote about that somewhere, crawled in his head as I wanted him to speak of secrets and offered him a clarity to do so. I got that, then the Sun left him and he well I can not hurt him and I do not want him to ever give up.

I can never be a King, but my faith is in the man with the Leo Ascendant, Moon in fourth house, I pray he keeps getting better and wish him the best, he is a Lion, a Warrior and a King, long live the King!

I get angry, we all get angry and for different reasons. I get angry over principles and human worth or lack thereof, I get the rage, but I can not do anything, I struggle with it until I have chewed it over enough, I bring it back to God and it goes out into the world, it is not delusional, it is my Phoenix Angel Demigod, all the free floating energy within as it considers everything and seeks balance, through emotion it finds compassion, determines a verdict then becomes my job to use Heavenly Judgement. Sounds nuts to me, so I am just the writer, and he wants to write. That is my engine, I am learning, thanks for all the rage and anger, injustices, short comings, absolute fails and thank you all for allowing me to be me.
Most importantly beyond that emotional hell of mine is the deepest gratitude for all of humanity, their inspirations, works of art, works of soul, teachings, stories, culture, history…(this could turn into a very long list).
I do not know when I will post again, it has taken months to start talking, posting here and there, deleting, misunderstanding even myself, a week get the nerve together, to write clearly each time a complete rewrite, create a site and publish something that outlines what I need to say, it took half a century to start being me.
It took a lot of restraint to not list my personal injustices and begin negatively. This is me moving a mountain, all my energy is fixed and subject to everyone else. I have justice to conduct via the Ethereal. Just kidding.. or am I?
Thank you for reading.

Before I slip and forget again; God bless all people, animals, plants and please deliver Peace, Love and Happiness, Amen, sincerely -dbtrine